Behaviors

The attitudes we hold affect our behaviors. We bring those attitudes to everyday situations. They affect how we behave and how we treat people. How we behave and treat people affects how people respond to us. This page provides information that will help you to understand your own attitudes and behaviors and those of other people. Often something that seems offensive to you is someone else's courtesy. This page covers

• ethics
• cultural and ethnic diversity
• etiquette

An understanding of these three areas will help you with your relationships with personal assistants and others.

Ethics

Ethics are standards of behavior that contribute to a successful employer/personal assistant (PA) relationship. Ethical behavior usually means being honest and truthful, just what you would expect from a PA. But this is a two way street. You must treat your PA in an ethical manner as well.

How can you tell if something is ethical?

We all face ethical dilemmas. When we do, we must depend on both our emotions and our reasoning to steer us down the right path. Consider these questions:

• Feelings. Do you feel comfortable about the situation? Does something about it worry you? Do you feel like you are putting something over on someone?
• Emotion. Have you let emotions overrule reason? Can you set emotions aside and weigh all aspects to make a decision? Or, are you making the decision in the heat of anger?
• Equity. Will your decision be fair to everyone involved? Will anyone get hurt or cheated?
• Legality. Will what you plan to do violate any laws, legal guidelines, or agency policies or procedures? If you are not sure, take the time to find out.

If your answers to these questions leave you feeling uncertain about a potential ethical problem, consider discussing the issues with someone you trust.

Excerpted from Management Review. Reproduced with permission of the American Management Association via Copyright Clearance Center.

An ethics agreement is included in this website. You can download and modify it to fit your situation.

A successful employer/PA relationship is built on three ethical behaviors:

• Confidentiality
• Punctuality
• Reliability

Confidentiality

Confidentiality really covers two kinds of behaviors. One behavior is keeping certain kinds of information confidential. The other is behaving in a way that ensures privacy.

Information

There are many types of information about you that a PA must keep confidential: your name, address, phone number, and social security number. But the list doesn't end there. Your PA must not talk to others about your health condition or disability, bodily processes, family secrets, finances, or emotional issues.

Likewise, if your PA confides her private information to you, you should keep it confidential.

In your role as an employer, you will collect information about your PA that must be kept confidential and accessible only to you. This includes the employee's job application, résumé, references, address, telephone number, social security number, performance reports and evaluations, payroll records, working agreement, and reasons for termination or leaving.

Privacy

Because your relationship with your PA can be so personal, you must take extra steps to ensure that your life can be private. This requires that you clearly, but politely, tell your PA when you want to be alone with friends or family. When your PA is present, you must feel confident that he or she will not reveal anything that may be embarrassing to you. It's up to you to set the ground rules, and to restate them if necessary.

Your PA is entitled to some private time. Make a space available for your PA to sit or take a short break. The law requires employers to provide short rest periods for their workers. Check your state's Labor Code. (For example, some states require a ten-minute break in the middle of every four-hour work period.)

If your PA lives in your home, it is especially important to respect each other's need for privacy. This includes use of the phone and having guests, as well as the kind of information mentioned above.

Punctuality

Your PA's punctuality is a cornerstone for living as independently as possible. Why? Because your schedule for personal care and planned activities depends on your ability to control when things happen and how long they take. Without that control, you give up some of the independence you may require. You must be able to count on your PA showing up on time.

If a PA must occasionally be late, she needs to call you and tell you why, and when you can expect her. If a PA is repeatedly late, this could be a cause for dismissal. On the other hand, if you can be flexible you and your PA may be able to agree on another work time.

Again, ethical behavior is a two-way street. You must be at home when the PA is scheduled to arrive. Many workers have more than one job and so you must respect his schedule too. If you are going to be late or absent, contact your PA as early as possible.

Reliability

Beyond being confident that your PA will show up on time, you must trust that she will perform tasks in the way you describe. You must trust that tasks will be done on the schedule you have agreed to.

Before you decide that your PA is unreliable, ask yourself some questions. Have you done everything necessary to help the PA to perform the tasks correctly? Did you provide sufficient training? Does the PA understand how and when you want things done? Is there a language barrier? Are there cultural differences that can cause different understandings? The part on Cultural and Ethnic Diversity will tackle these kinds of questions.

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Cultural and Ethnic Diversity

The way we treat other people, the standards we have for the way others should treat us. These things are shaped by our cultural and ethnic backgrounds. We learned ideas about differences among people from our families and communities. Those ideas shape and affect our relationships with others.

These learned ideas and lack of firsthand experience with people of different backgrounds often are barriers to good work relationships. We may misunderstand a person's intentions because of how he expressed it. We may take offense where none was intended.

Cultural and ethnic differences can be obstacles, but they can also be opportunities. Understanding the values and traditions of people we work with can improve our work relationships. It can also help us see deeper into our own values and traditions. Hiring a personal assistant whose background is different from yours may present a unique opportunity to grow.

In the section on Supervising, we suggest that you look directly at your worker when giving instructions. If you notice that your worker does not make eye contact with you, ask yourself why. Depending on the culture of your worker, direct eye contact might be considered disrespectful of you; in another culture direct eye contact might be considered aggressive or belligerent. Further, do not assume that everyone with the same ethnicity shares the same customs, values, and beliefs. It is important to remain open and flexible, and to ask questions.

Of course, your worker may not know very much about your cultural background. By explaining how and why you want things done, you help bridge differences in understanding.

Bridging cultural and ethnic differences

• Be aware of how your backgrounds may differ.
• Ask the worker to share information about his background.
• Respect the values and beliefs of your worker; if you have differences, ask him to respect the values and beliefs held in your home.

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Etiquette

Etiquette is simply good manners. As an employer you should be respectful in the way that you speak with your PA. You don't have to say "please" or "thank you" for every little thing, but politeness does help. Shouting, yelling at the PA, or barking orders is not respectful.

Some people feel awkward around people with disabilities. They may use terms that you may find offensive. It will make life easier for you, your worker, your family and friends if you help them to understand your preferences and expectations. Be ready to discuss these. Below are some guidelines that may be helpful for explaining your expectations.

Disability Etiquette Guidelines

You are not your condition or disease. First and foremost, you are an individual. You have all the rights and responsibilities, dreams and desires as anyone else. For example, a person is not an "epileptic," but rather "a person who has epilepsy."

There is a distinction between disability and handicap. A disability is a condition caused by an accident, trauma, genetics or disease that may limit a person's mobility, hearing, vision, speech or mental function. Some people may have more than one disability. A handicap is a physical or attitudinal constraint. It limits a person, regardless of whether or not that person has a disability. Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary defines handicap as "to put at a disadvantage". For example, some people with disabilities use wheelchairs. Stairs, narrow doorways and curbs are handicaps limiting people with disabilities who use wheelchairs.

Ask your PA, family and friends to use a normal tone of voice when speaking to you or any other person with a disability. Ask them not to raise their voices unless requested.

Advise them that when introduced to a person with a disability, it is appropriate to offer to shake hands. People with limited hand use or who wear an artificial limb can usually shake hands. Also tell them that shaking hands with the left hand is acceptable. For those who cannot shake hands, touching the person lightly on the shoulder or arm to welcome and acknowledge their presence also is acceptable.

Ask your PA, family and friends to treat adults in a manner befitting adults:

• Call any person by his or her first name only when using that familiarity to all others present.
• Never patronize people using wheelchairs by patting them on the head or shoulder.
• When your PA or anyone else addresses a person who uses a wheelchair, never lean on the person's wheelchair. The chair is part of the space that belongs to the person who uses it.
• Ask your PA or any other person who talks with you (or any person with a disability) to look at and speak directly to you rather than through a companion who may be along.
• If you require an interpreter, ask the interpreter or your PA to request that the person with whom you are meeting speak directly to you, not to the interpreter.

Tell your PA, family and friends that it is okay to offer assistance with sensitivity and respect. However, they should be prepared to have the offer declined and that they should not proceed to assist if the offer to assist is declined. If you accept the offer of assistance, ask them to listen to instructions on how they best can help you. For example, you can instruct them on the following:

• Allow a person with a visual impairment to take your arm (at or about the elbow). This will enable you to guide rather than propel or lead the person.
• Offer to hold or carry packages in a welcoming manner. Example: May I help you with your packages?
• When offering to hand a coat or umbrella, do not offer to hand a cane or crutches unless the individual requests otherwise.

Conversation Etiquette

Many people are not sure about how to speak with people with disabilities. Help your PAs, family and friends by sharing with them what is appropriate and comfortable for you. Here are some clues you can share with them to improve communications.

• When talking to a person with a disability, look at and speak directly to that person, not through a companion who may be along.
• Relax. Don't be embarrassed if you happen to use accepted common accepted expressions such as "See you later" or "Got to be running along" that seem to relate to the person's disability.
• To get the attention of a person with a hearing impairment, tap the person on the shoulder or wave your hand. Look directly at the person and speak clearly, naturally and slowly to establish if the person can read lips. Not all persons with hearing impairments can lip-read. Those who can will rely on facial expression and other body language to help in understanding. Show consideration by placing yourself facing the light source and keeping your hands, cigarettes and food away from your mouth when speaking. Keep mustaches well trimmed. Shouting won't help. Written notes may.
• When talking with a person in a wheelchair for more than a few minutes, use a chair whenever possible. This will place you at the person's eye level to facilitate conversation.
• When greeting a person with a severe loss of vision, always identify yourself and others who may be with you. For example, "On my right is Penelope Potts."
• When conversing in a group that includes a person with a severe loss of vision, give a vocal cue by announcing the name of the person to whom you are speaking. Speak in a normal tone of voice, indicate in advance when you will be moving from one place to another and let it be known when the conversation is at an end.
• Listen attentively when you're talking to a person who has a speech impairment. Keep your manner encouraging rather than correcting. Exercise patience rather than speaking for a person with speech difficulty. When necessary, ask short questions that require short answers or a nod or a shake of the head. Never pretend to understand if you are having difficulty doing so. Repeat what you understand, or incorporate the interviewee's statements into each of the following questions. The person's reactions will clue you in and guide you to understanding.
• If you have difficulty communicating, be willing to repeat or rephrase a question. Open-ended questions are more appropriate than closed-ended questions.
  • Close-ended question: "You were a tax accountant in XYZ Company in the corporate planning department for seven years. What did you do there?"
  • Open-ended question: "Tell me about your recent position as a tax accountant."
• Do not shout at a hearing impaired person. Shouting distorts sounds accepted through hearing aids and inhibits lip reading. Do not shout at a person who is blind or visually impaired -- he or she can hear you!
• To facilitate conversation, be prepared to offer a visual cue to a hearing impaired person or an audible cue to a vision impaired person. This is especially important when more than one person is speaking.

Some Acceptable and Unacceptable Terms

Disability Etiquette, Conversation Etiquette and Acceptable and Unacceptable Terms are adapted from the Disability Etiquette Handbook, Disability Access Office, Department of Public Works, City of San Antonio website ( http://www.sanantonio.gov/ada/handbook_Front.asp).

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