Resolving Conflicts

Relationships between you and your personal assistants (PAs) are close and complex. It is important that the relationship run as smooth and effective as possible. You don't need to be best friends. But you do need to be able to work together to ensure that you get the best care possible. The intimate nature of your work arrangement makes it important to keep disagreement and conflict to a minimum.

While misunderstandings and disputes are to be avoided, sometimes things go wrong and there can be conflict. One of the keys to avoiding conflict is good communication. Another is taking action when problems arise. Try to solve problems as soon as you spot them. Don't let something go by that bothers you until you can't stand it and you explode in anger or have to terminate the relationship. The pages on Coaching can help. Here are some more ideas.

Tip

Don't harbor things that are making you unhappy.
Don't let annoyances fester.
Wait to talk about an issue until you calm down if you are extremely upset or angry.

This page covers

Preventing disagreements, misunderstandings and conflicts
Positive problem solving
Steps to sorting out conflicts.

Preventing disagreements, misunderstandings and conflicts

The best approach to solving problems is preventing them in the first place. Using these guidelines can help you keep small difficulties from growing into big problems.

Be sure your personal assistant (PA) knows what their job is. Be sure they understand how you want it done. If there is something that seems unclear, deal with it up front. It's better to negotiate early on than have to solve a problem later.
Don't look for blame. Were you unclear or did she misunderstand? No matter. Just say "Sorry. Please let me tell you again how I want it cooked."
The PA may ask for supplies she needs to do the job properly. If she doesn't have the right supplies to do the cleaning correctly, she can't do a good job for you.
Politely suggest a different way to do something if the PA's way is unsafe, inefficient, or not the way you want it done. .
Keep an attitude that open communication will help avoid most problems. If you sense that the PA is unhappy with something about the job, bring that up: "John, I have the feeling that you're not satisfied with something. Can you tell me about it? Is there anything you can suggest to correct it?"

Positive problem-solving

Not all problems stem from bad communication. People who communicate very well also have conflicts. But good communication is the basis for positive problem- solving. Here are some ways to help you avoid bad feelings, see a wider picture of the issue, and get to the roots of a problem.

Prepare yourself

Agree on a time to discuss an issue. If possible, agree on a setting that does not trigger bad feelings.
Give yourself a "cooling off" period before trying to tackle situations in which emotions run high.
If emotions are running high, write down what you think are the main points of conflict before sitting down to deal with them.
Discuss the issue with a trusted friend in order to get other perspectives.
Recall the tips for listening closely, asking questions, and giving and receiving feedback.
Don't feel you need to solve the problem alone. Decide if it will be helpful to involve friends or relatives or agency representatives.

Steps to sorting out conflicts

Talk to each other.
Collect all the information you need.
Be sure no one is being misquoted or misinterpreted.
See the conflict as a joint problem to be solve together as a troublesome issue.
Don't personalize the issue by picking on each other.
Find areas you can agree on first--even if the areas of agreement are minor it helps to know there is SOME agreement.
Feelings count--don't dismiss anything as "only emotions".
Be prepared to consider alternative ways of working.
Seek help from someone neutral; MEDIATION if you need help. However, don't leave it up to the neutral party to decide what happens. You both will be more likely to stick to a decision if you feel you have been fully involved in creating it.

Resolving Conflicts adapted from: You're the Boss! http://www.disabilitygateshead.org.uk. ©2000 Gateshead Council on Disability Personal Assistance Project, Gateshead NE8 4DY, England. Reprinted with permission.

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